Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Pot Roast that isn't slimy

First, I want to apologize for being a slacker. As many of you know, I am a full time student (who is in danger of becoming a permanent one). As a non-traditional student I get to jump through hoops and over obstacles just like any other student, but I have to do it with a mortgage, two kids and husband strapped to my back. My degree has become something of moving target as of late, but I am working diligently to get this done. Honestly, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Listen kiddies, if you have the chance to go to college as a young person, for fucks sake, DO IT! You really don't want to be like me, and no one needs this level of aggravation.

So I'm sorry I haven't been writing. I do love it, and I missed you all terribly!

Moving on to the good shit now.

I am addicted to my crock pots. Call them what you want to, but I spend more time with them than most people do with their spouse. I have found ways to make stuff in them that has been awesome, and there have also been epic failures. This is one of the winners, totally by accident too.

We don't have cable TV. I can't stand the cable company. They are right up there with corrupt insurance companies and drug companies. Bastards I tell ya. So I have a digital antenna, that I use to get local stations and PBS. I found I really like PBS (and why in God's name did no one tell me there were multiple stations of it!?!)

On PBS is a show that is basically a cooking show/test kitchen thingy. All I know is that it is hosted by the most adorable man in a bow tie. I love that guy. I totally want to keep him as a pet. (disclaimer: I do not nor have I ever endorsed slavery of any kind. This is a euphemism that I use when I want to keep someone around that I like. Totally pisses me off that I even have to write this shit but welcome to America, land of the free, home of the lawsuit)

Click here  for their website.

Anyway, they did a thing where they made a brisket in the crockpot without boiling it in its own juices. They figured a way to create dry heat in a crockpot. I was riveted.



I thought it was a idea worth trying out. I had been looking for a way to use that damn chuck roast in the fridge before it went bad, without having to go through the rigamarole of using a dutch oven and cooking it low and slow in the freakin' oven. I got shit to do, yo.

So here it is, how to make a Pot Roast in the crockpot that isn't slimy.

Start with your meat. (he he I said 'meat')

A chuck roast that is about a third smaller than your biggest crockpot You'll see why. Try to get one that is wider than it is thick.

Then you want to score it. Run your knife along the top of the meat, just pressing lightly to create a shallow cut that can hold some spices.

Then you want to season your roast. I personally made my own mix but use whatever you want to in order to season it. I don't use a lot because we live in the Northeast and horseradish is where it's at and we use it at the table. I used garlic powder, onion powder and smoked paprika with worcestershire sauce and a dash of liquid smoke. I sprinkled and then splashed, but I think it would have been easier to mix it into a paste and then smear. Now set this roast aside, preferably out of reach of certain animals that like to counter surf.

In a fry pan, chop up one medium onion, and add maybe 5 cloves of fresh garlic and saute with a little olive oil. Cook these together until the onions are translucent. It should stink up the whole joint, and that rocks.

Once these are done, scoop them into the bottom of your crockpot in a little pile in the center.

Now comes the fun part. You know those foil bread sized tins you can get at the store? Yeah throw one of those bad boys face down over the onion/garlic hot mess in the crockpot.

Now place your meat on top of the foil pan so it is off the bottom the crockpot. You may have to get several sizes of pans to get a good fit based on how big your roast is, and the size/depth of your crockpot.

Get about a half cup to three-quarters of a cup of water in the bottom. You are looking to create a seal around the foil pan. Later I thought this would be amazeballs if you used something like apple cider or something other than water.

Now put on the lid, and turn it on low. And I mean that, LOW! You want this to take all day or it gets tough and nasty.

Keep a blind eye on it, and when it reads 185-200 degrees inside it is done. If you find it is still kinda tough, leave it in there longer, it will get more tender as the connective tissue breaks down. It is really hard to overcook this. I mean, you totally could if you put it in and went away for like, four days but who the hell does that? (I shouldn't have said that. This is not a challenge.)

Take out the meat and put it in a bowl or something. It will fall apart, and be a total pain in the posterior to move.

Now, check out the bottom of the crockpot. There should be like no liquid in the bottom. But here is the magic. It is all sucked up under the foil pan! Here's a little video of the magic at work. I couldn't resist showing it to you in action. I would have flapped like one of my kids does but my hands were holding the pan.

There will be a little suction to get the foil pan out, but the juices have all sucked up under the pan, and will come whooshing out. Be careful, that shit is like molten glass.

Now make gravy with the drippings. You can strain out the solids or just hit it with the stick blender. I prefer the stick method but do what you want. Here I forgot I even had a stick blender so I used a whisk.

AND NOW....to eat. The thing was so tender and just fell apart. Check out that color on the inside too. It is fully cooked but it looks cool.

And that my friends concludes todays lesson. What have we learned?

*Red is really bad about making posts on her blog.
*How to create dry heat in a crockpot to make stuff
* Guys in bowties are adorable and Red does not condone slavery

I will be doing a series on holiday meals. I'm just doing the basics. You'll see all my "holiday stressed the fuck out" cooking. Yay!

Cheers all!